27th
BLUEPRINT - Yes I Did
i’m very upset because i wrote a phenomenal just okay post earlier and then my computer shut down and then i needed sorbet from this place called australian down the street (yes i know my geography, it’s just that the aussie’s were kind enough to bring their treat to the village). so i grabbed a small mango cup and strolled around.
so you’re probably slightly bewildered by the juice i am holding in the below picture. yeah, i went there. juice cleanses definitely work if you believe in toxins. but i don’t. i did, but after the fact, i think it’s a total hoax and i am really pissed off that i gave in and lost nine solid meals of my life. but i guess i do feel healthier. i mean, i assume i’m healther. i basically consumed an acre of organic oregonian farmland.
you wanna know the whole deal? okay.
SUNDAY, 9 PM: i received three large gorgeous lime green cooler bags from Blueprint Cleanse, each containing six juices/day. considering i had just consumed a small portion of a cow, a chunk of chicken, a pile of mac & cheese, rum punch, and cookies at a BBQ, followed by chocolate crunch and vanilla tasti (i admit that was unnecessary), i had a feeling it might not be super easy to starve for three days. i’ll get to the “starving” part in a minute.
MONDAY, 8 AM: wake up. stomach rumbling. why did i do this? (and i don’t mean wake up. you’re not funny).
JUICE #1, 8:30 AM: conveniently labeled “#1” it was a blend of kale, spinach, celery, romaine, cucumber, parsley, lemon, and green apple. it smelled like grass, it tasted like ass. no, it actually was kind of nice. the first one was, at least. it tasted like celery and green apple. not exactly what you’re craving when you first wake up, but if that’s what they tell you to drink, you drink. i was hungry 30 minutes later. i watched the clock until it was about the right time-frame for the next one.
JUICE #2, 10:30 AM: pineapple and mint. my second favorite of the whole ordeal. sweet. almost sickeningly sweet. makes me want a piece of bread or something. or some peanuts. Mmm those would really compliment the sweetness. you know what would also compliment it? vodka. no wait, rum. i seriously want the recipe so i can make this again. amazingly, i am no longer hungry and i can get back to living my life and not being such a self-consumed consumer.
JUICE #3, 1:30 PM: the green one again. i’m waiting for the “rush of energy” to kick in that so many fellow juicers described. i’m sort of hungry and sort of sick to my stomach.
JUICE #4, 4 PM: lemons, cayenne, agave nectar. designed to kill afternoon cravings. still craving things and still not feeling the rush. WTF, where is it?
JUICE #5, 6:30 PM: GREEN AGAIN (are we sensing a theme here?) at this point just trying to make it to “lights’ out!” so i can say i finished the day. i am gagging. i can barely finish it. it takes me five minutes in-between small sips. R is eating a plate of pasta with parmesan and pepper and it looks so good and i just want to cry and he’s not being helpful because he keeps offering me bites. i mean, that is just not supportive.
JUICE #6, 9 PM: cashew nut milk with vanilla bean and agave nectar. by far my favorite of the bunch because it had a soothing thickness. it was actually quite filling. i couldn’t even finish it. so i guess, yeah, the juices are filling. you’re not really hungry. but you’re not exactly full either.
SUMMARY: so basically those are the juices and i drank them for three full days. i only cheated once to have a few bites of half of a bouchon sandwich and a few nibbles part of a chocolate magnolia cupcake. but other than that, i was a saint. so anyway, you don’t really lose weight on this. well, i actually don’t know that to be true. i don’t weigh myself so i don’t know either way, but i think if you’re 435 pounds you probably do lose some weight because you’ve been eating whatever it is that 435 pound people eat. but if you eat pretty well and you’re not obese, then you probably won’t lose much weight or any weight at all because the drinks are so jam-packed with stuff. healthy stuff. and that’s good. ‘cause you don’t wanna starve yourself because, you know, starving’s bad.
AND ANOTHER THING: all of the editors who got freebies people who said their skin “glowed” during and afterwards, and worked out sometimes twice in one day because they had copious amounts of energy, i would love to meet you because you must be liars super motivated. i actually looked pale and had to leave the gym after 10 minutes because i thought i was going to faint. and yeah, i drank 3 liters of water like you told me to and i even drank the teas. i just think you work for the company y’all are wack and you should probably move to ithaca. goodnight!
